Six Sentence Sunday

October 21, 2012 by Elin Gregory

It’s Sunday again and time for another six sentences of something. Cick this link to find loads of others!

This week and in honour of the current blog hop about alpha males, I’m taking an excerpt from a short story that I’m struggling with a bit. You see there was a call for submission from Circlet Press to write short stories, 7k max, about villains, and I had this sudden mad urge to write about the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Remember him? “This? It’s only a flesh wound. Come back here and I’ll kick you to death!” But Circlet means erotica and comedy erotica has to be done with a very sure hand. So I’m doing my own thing as usual – ie violence and more than the average readers wants to know about armour, plus a character who is so completely alpha that he’s actually rather unlikeable. 🙂 It’s called “A Taste of Copper” and if I manage to finish it you’ll be the first to know.

Here, after a brief bloody encounter, Olivier the squire, deals with his master’s injuries:

~~~

His heavy shoulders and chest gleamed with sweat, goosefleshing slightly in the chill air. The wound in his bicep gaped like a hot wet mouth.
Olivier knelt at his master’s side, and used a little of the hot water and a clean rag to clean around the gash. He searched the wound and removed a shred of thread from the torn shirt, then he took a silver needle and silk thread, seared one in flame and soaked the other in spirit, and closed the wound with three even stitches. Maheris breathed deeply through his nose, his right hand clenching on the arm of his chair until Olivier was sure the wood would crack, but he made no sound. Olivier pushed his hair back from his cheek with his wrist, grimacing at the scent of blood in the air, sharp as sucking a copper penny, mingling with the far more pleasant smell of Sir Maheris’s sweat.

~~~

PS If you’d like a chance to win a ten dollar amazon thingy plus a copy of my novella “Alike As Two Bees”, leave a comment and your email addy here.

Posted in Uncategorized | 31 Comments

31 Responses

on October 21, 2012 at 9:35 am | Reply Heather Boyd

That was awesome. Fantastic six!
on October 21, 2012 at 11:57 am | Reply Jessica Subject

Great description of the scent of blood! 🙂
on October 21, 2012 at 12:40 pm | Reply jessielansdel

Yes! The smell of blood is an iron, coppery smell and taste. Marvellous. Love it. Wonderful imagery. 😄
on October 21, 2012 at 1:03 pm | Reply Lisa Fox

Wow, that is intense. What a great description!
on October 21, 2012 at 1:37 pm | Reply susanroebuck

Oh he stitched himself. Course if this was Monty P, Olivier would’ve got a knot in the thread (or if it was me sewing) 🙂 Sounds good! (not the knot)
on October 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm | Reply Ana

Lovely, as always. You have a way of polishing each word choice that makes your entire passage sparkle.
on October 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm | Reply kelworthfiles

Yeah, I love comparing the smell of blood and sweat. Great sensory stuff!

Lots of great treats here, take your pick! http://fun4friends.net/delicious-food/delicious-ice-cream/delicious-ice-cream
on October 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm | Reply Skye Warren

Great imagery! Love it, very gritty.
on October 21, 2012 at 3:20 pm | Reply Eleri Stone

GREAT description. Loved.
on October 21, 2012 at 3:28 pm | Reply Marcia

Great descriptions, I love how you stay in Olivier’s POV. We really get into his head and that makes the scene more alive for me. I get the feeling he has to concentrate on keeping his hands steady as he sews!

Might I make one suggestion? To me, this part “He searched the wound and removed a shred of thread from the torn shirt” is a separate thought from the rest of that sentence, and the flow might be better if it was separated with a period.

Hope you post more from this. Just from this snippet, Olivier is very likeable 🙂
on October 21, 2012 at 3:32 pm | Reply J.M. Blackman

Some very visceral descriptions here. I can fairly smell everything myself. Engrossing, as usual.
on October 21, 2012 at 3:47 pm | Reply evelynjules

Oh man, I am loving this! The premise is ridiculously fantastic. I really hope you are able to finish it because I’m certain it will be a winner! 🙂
on October 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm | Reply Lorraine Paton

Very vivid six! Love it! Good luck with your story – sounds great! 🙂
on October 21, 2012 at 5:01 pm | Reply Jessica Schira

Wow! What a wonderfully descriptive snippet!
on October 21, 2012 at 5:11 pm | Reply Carrie Crain

Your line about mingling with pleasant smells of Sir Maheris’s sweat turned me on. Haha!! And, normally, I don’t like sweat. Nice!
on October 21, 2012 at 5:47 pm | Reply Sue

I hate missing your posts but can’t figure out how to e mail subscribe….and me thinks the smell of sweat is not the only thing turning him on
- on October 21, 2012 at 5:54 pm | Reply Elin Gregory
  
  🙂 Especially for you – email sign up widget is now in the side bar near the top.
  Olivier is wracked with hero-worship plus a really heaping helping of lust, poor lamb. Thanks for commenting.
on October 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm | Reply Stevie Carroll

That’s a great six.
on October 21, 2012 at 6:50 pm | Reply Monica Enderle Pierce

Love his focus and how you’ve used just the right amount of detail. Your male characters are so wonderfully masculine.
on October 21, 2012 at 8:18 pm | Reply Silver James

Wow. Visceral and graphic–and just the way I like things! Well done. Yeah. He’s an alpha all right. 😉
on October 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm | Reply Ryan Derham

Great imagery and a fantastic six!
on October 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm | Reply Joanne Stewart

LOVE this. Very vivid, and I can tell he cares for his master. Excellently done.
on October 21, 2012 at 11:03 pm | Reply Stephanie/Elise

I LOVE Monty Python but I have to admit, I cringed through these six. Blood, needles, gaping gashes…*shudders* Good job creating a reaction, though! 🙂
on October 22, 2012 at 12:26 am | Reply Donna Cummings

You had me spellbound with this — I felt like I was watching it all happening. Very nice six!
on October 22, 2012 at 12:38 am | Reply Patricia Preston

Awesome description! Made me shudder
on October 22, 2012 at 12:43 am | Reply sueannbowlingauthor

Is Sir Maheris the one who’s being sewn up?
on October 22, 2012 at 1:08 am | Reply Frank Fisher

Good work Elin! The combination of imagery and similies makes this a wonderful snippet! There’s no doubt about what’s happening here. Fun six!
on October 22, 2012 at 1:57 am | Reply veronicascott

Very VERY descriptive…terrific six!
on October 22, 2012 at 3:16 am | Reply siobhanmuir

I really liked the last line, Elin. It connected me with the characters and drew me in. Good six. 🙂
on October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm | Reply C.C. Williams

Wonderful, wonderful!
on October 28, 2012 at 8:44 pm | Reply sarahballance

You really hit all the senses with this one. Beautiful. I hope you finish it!